Stagnation: lack of activity, growth, or development
That is the definition of how I have felt for nearly two years now. I have been in a holding pattern with no direction, enthusiasm, or motivation. I’m seeing a pattern here–maybe even a lifelong pattern. I’ll have periods of rapid growth and moving on or moving forward; and then, there is stagnation. The periods of stagnation are after some sort of major event or trauma. The best analogy is that I go into a cocoon of darkness and just stay there for however long I need until I either get tired of being in the dark and isolation for so long OR I get fed up with the pitiful circumstances I am in and somehow push what little ounce of serotonin I have to get me up and over the next hump!
I don’t want this blog to be about me whining, bitching, or having a pity party. I want it to be about unbecoming all of the things I became when I was living in survival mode and did not understand the “why” behind my behaviors and actions. I want to heal, move on, let go; and give myself all the things I was seeking “outside of myself.” Throughout this entire process, I have learned so much about myself–that I had trauma, some PTSD, and unhealthy boundaries. I have been broken open. That is the only way to describe what has happened. I’ve been broken open and now I am sitting with a huge heap of stuff I have to unlearn.
First, I am learning that I am worthy. I am worthy of being treated with respect and consideration even though I did not have the easiest of circumstances growing up. I am worthy of taking up space here because I was chosen to be here in this place and time. Although I have made some poor choices in my past; I am in a place where I understand the ‘why’ behind them and I am working on healing so that the next decisions that I make will be decisions based on the wisdom and lessons I have learned.
What have I discovered about myself?
I have had a problem with boundaries. I am a sensitive and empathic person that feels too much sometimes. I tend to overextend myself when it comes to obligations and such and then I resent myself and the situations I find myself in and that surely is not good. My nature and calling have led me to work in public service professions; hence, I’ve been on the front lines. The pandemic has changed the scope of my job and society has changed dramatically. I feel that I am losing the fire I had a few years ago for sure. I still am passionate about the mission of my career, but I’m questioning the changes and direction we are headed. Do these changes reflect my values and ideals about what I want for myself and how I want to share my gifts? I honestly can’t answer that right now because if I do, it would be a resounding no.
I feel change is necessary. I feel as if I need to take time to ask myself how best can I serve and also allow more personal growth. I am mentally and spiritually exhausted and I know it is many things and not any “one thing.” I need to lean into the emotional and mental support of close friendships and I have not taken time to nurture and protect those relationships due to time, distance, and overwhelm. I am also in therapy to break down some of the trauma, issues, and patterns of my past. It turns out healing from my divorce was easy, but peeling the layers back to reveal all the things from my past that led me into this space is some serious work. I am talking to God more these days. I’m sharing what is in my heart and mind and know I am in a holding pattern. This is where He brought me and I will not leave without knowing where He needs me to be next. I have some things I am pondering and trying to work through but I am not just a survivor, I am a warrior. I am confident about finding my way even if it is taking me down a narrow path.