Anxiety

Faith….

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According to Merriam-Webster, faith is a firm belief in something for which there is no proof. 

Do you have faith? I will be the first to admit, I have not always been as faithful as I should have been. When tough times hit, I used to be the first person to get angry or act on emotions without clear-headed thinking. I would feel this sudden sense of urgency to take care of the problem as soon as I could. That thinking got me into more trouble and problems than I care to admit. Now, as a middle-aged woman, I can sit back and see all the times I needed to be still and have faith. Maybe things would have turned out better. Maybe I should have trusted that things would work out exactly as they should. It’s taken me a long while to accept that through all of the struggles, God knew everything I was going to do even before I did. He also knew I may have needed to go through those things to learn some hard lessons and finally develop the faith and longing for a more personal relationship with Him. My faith journey began back in 2015. I was a hot mess.

I was stagnant. I had been stuck in a really hard place for a few years. I knew I was capable of so much more and yet I was not able to reach out and grab it. Going through a period of difficulty can play a number on your self confidence and sense of self worth. If you do not have a strong support system at home, it makes the healing and perseverance all the more difficult. Did I mention, I had not been to church in years. I had been angry at God for certain events that devastated me and hurt loved ones. I could not find it in me to trust Him when the people I loved the most were taken from me. I never stopped to think that someday I would understand how all things work together for a greater purpose. 

I was very lucky that in spite of my hurt and anger, God put the right people in my life at just the right time. They helped me see that God had never left me. He was there all along. Although He could not control some of the things that happened to me, He was always there for me to turn to in my time of need. I have learned that now. He is the first one I want to reach out to in difficult times. He is the one I want to say “Thank You!” to when I receive good news or a blessing. 

This period of loss and renewal has taught me so much about myself and the whole process of letting go, accepting what is, and finally; learning to be still and have faith. I feel like I have a ways to go to finish healing and growing but I am on the right path to “home” for the first time in a very long time. 

Restlessness

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Do you believe in signs? I do! Sometimes the divine has a way of speaking to you and it can be as easy as something popping up several times within a small time frame. Other times, it’s a huge sign and you’re finally faced with a truth you’ve been ignoring for quite some time. I’ve been going through a year of self-discovery and trying to dig deeper into some unresolved issues that keep pulling me backward. At the root of it, there is a feeling of hunger and restlessness. I wrote about that hunger on my first post, but the other day on the way to work, the person on the radio was talking about Psalm 62:5 and the topic of RESTLESSNESS and the human condition. Every sentence she spoke was an alarm bell going off in my head!

I have been restless since as far back as I can remember! I was restless in my teenage years because I believed that once I could be independent and on my own, everything would be so much easier and better. I was restless because I believed that my life would be better and easier if I got married. I got married and believed everything would get easier when I was working full time and we were advancing in our careers and making more money. We got those jobs and career advancements and then I thought it would get easier if we saved enough money to buy a home in the country.

Then it happened. I realized nothing was getting easier. Nothing was getting better. In fact, things were just as hard as they always were and I woke up one morning and felt this heaviness in my heart and physical body. I did not want to get up. I wondered what would happen if I just fought back and decided, TODAY, I AM NOT GETTING UP AND OUT OF BED ANYMORE. I did not want to go to work. I did not want to take a shower. I did not want to eat. Everything was too hard. I was more than restless. I was done. I call this moment my turning point. As I sat and poured out my feelings to my husband and sat there broken and crying, I felt like I needed to just stop. I needed the world to stop so I could see what was next for me. What did Dawn need?

I sat in my doctor’s office and just cried. She looked at me stupefied and doubled my medications. She couldn’t help me. All she could do was prescribe more medications. I’d been prescribed pills for my anxiety and panic attacks. I’d been prescribed a higher dosage to deal with the depression and mood swings. I’d been prescribed pills to help me sleep. I was prescribed muscle relaxers and strong anti-inflammatory medications for the constant muscle aches and pains I had. I had even developed stage one high blood pressure and was prescribed blood pressure medication. I felt like I was dying inside and like I was slowly losing my wits! No one could understand and no one seemed to be listening to me.

The Journey Begins

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Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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My name is Dawn and I am 50 and this age has been the time of much growth and change.

I’m a native Texan and have lived in some of the major cities here and the coast.

The beginning.

Over three years ago, I packed up and left my job, my friends, and the life I had built for myself in another city. Even now, I am confident, it was the right decision for me at that time because I was in a rut. I was stagnant and not growing professionally. I craved growth and change. I still remember the day I made the decision to leave a job I loved and the friends I’d made and embark on this journey. My heart ached but I was filled with a fervor that was driving me to make this tremendous upheaval in my life. It’s like breaking up with someone you love for all the right reasons. I’ve grown more emotionally and professionally than I ever have in the last three years. When you jump off a cliff, you realize one of two things: you fly or you die. I flew. Starting over was scary but I did it. I began to trust my life’s purpose and my faith in God. What did I gain?

I gained confidence, strength, purpose, knowledge, and even more faith! I realized things I never knew about myself but had within me all along. I was a leader. I was a performer. I was a teacher. I was a writer. I was a mentor. I finally bloomed! I was flying so high until the work, the responsibilities, the family, the marriage—all of it just took over and I succumbed to bad habits for coping. Somewhere in the midst of all that positive growth; I began to lose myself. I forgot what was important.

Now, I am at a crossroads. Growth and overcoming challenges is not without collateral damage. That is what this blog is about—finding healing and unbecoming everything I thought I was and finally becoming who I am meant to be. It is about re-configuring my life around health and happiness.