Do you believe in signs? I do! Sometimes the divine has a way of speaking to you and it can be as easy as something popping up several times within a small time frame. Other times, it’s a huge sign and you’re finally faced with a truth you’ve been ignoring for quite some time. I’ve been going through a year of self-discovery and trying to dig deeper into some unresolved issues that keep pulling me backward. At the root of it, there is a feeling of hunger and restlessness. I wrote about that hunger on my first post, but the other day on the way to work, the person on the radio was talking about Psalm 62:5 and the topic of RESTLESSNESS and the human condition. Every sentence she spoke was an alarm bell going off in my head!
I have been restless since as far back as I can remember! I was restless in my teenage years because I believed that once I could be independent and on my own, everything would be so much easier and better. I was restless because I believed that my life would be better and easier if I got married. I got married and believed everything would get easier when I was working full time and we were advancing in our careers and making more money. We got those jobs and career advancements and then I thought it would get easier if we saved enough money to buy a home in the country.
Then it happened. I realized nothing was getting easier. Nothing was getting better. In fact, things were just as hard as they always were and I woke up one morning and felt this heaviness in my heart and physical body. I did not want to get up. I wondered what would happen if I just fought back and decided, TODAY, I AM NOT GETTING UP AND OUT OF BED ANYMORE. I did not want to go to work. I did not want to take a shower. I did not want to eat. Everything was too hard. I was more than restless. I was done. I call this moment my turning point. As I sat and poured out my feelings to my husband and sat there broken and crying, I felt like I needed to just stop. I needed the world to stop so I could see what was next for me. What did Dawn need?
I sat in my doctor’s office and just cried. She looked at me stupefied and doubled my medications. She couldn’t help me. All she could do was prescribe more medications. I’d been prescribed pills for my anxiety and panic attacks. I’d been prescribed a higher dosage to deal with the depression and mood swings. I’d been prescribed pills to help me sleep. I was prescribed muscle relaxers and strong anti-inflammatory medications for the constant muscle aches and pains I had. I had even developed stage one high blood pressure and was prescribed blood pressure medication. I felt like I was dying inside and like I was slowly losing my wits! No one could understand and no one seemed to be listening to me.