These are two of my biggest companions I have been living with recently and maybe even for the last few years, if I am being completely honest. I have experienced more grief in the last few years than at any other time in my life. Frankly, I am over it. I am ready for anything that feels better than those two feelings. I also understand that experiencing all of these emotions over the last few years has helped me grow and gain wisdom. It has been part of my healing journey as well.
Here are some things I have learned about grief and longing….
Grief is part of love. If I did not feel grief, that translates to–I did not know love. Grief is letting go of someone or something special to you that you loved deeply. Grief is deep sadness and even despair. The deep sadness and emptiness that comes from experiencing grief can be all-consuming. It is a dark pit of hopelessness that can quickly take over your entire well-being with illness, depression, angst, and even longing. The longing—that intense longing for something you lost or something you never had. For me, it is a black hole that can suck everything out of me that is hopeful. I have had to struggle so much with owning that void of darkness. It is part of me, too. I am not afraid of it anymore.
When I was a young girl and even a young woman, I used to try so hard to avoid feeling my feelings. I would try to be stoic and do anything I could to avoid feeling that “feeling.” I would use distractions and I will be honest, vices. Now, as a middle-aged woman with more life experience and wisdom under my belt, I know that in order to heal and move forward, I have to feel everything and let it flow through and out from me. It is ok to ride those waves of turmoil and pain because it is part of life and when I allow it to flow as it should; I find relief and some small token of peace that I can hold onto. I am not ashamed of my pain or tears anymore. I understand it is just pain leaving my body so that more love can enter someday.
I hope that when you feel grief or longing, you allow yourself to feel it. Give into it. Share it with your words too. It is like a purging that brings relief. It also is like riding the seas–sometimes it is violent and sometimes the waters are calm. That is normal too. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe if we opened our hearts and minds more to sharing our true feelings and pain, there would be more healing happening amongst us.
It has been a long time since writing but this is part of my healing process and growing pains. I’m going to be vulnerable and share what I have learned more recently about “triggers.”
Five years ago, I would not have been able to tell you what a trigger was in relation to mental health. Now, it is part of my everyday lingo.
What is a trigger? In the simplest of terms—being “triggered” means you’re experiencing past pain in the present moment. It is usually brought on by a situation or event in the present. For me, my triggers seem to be exacerbated by specific persons or scenarios. I look back now and see how the last few years post-divorce; I have been a triggered hot mess for so many reasons. I will explain further in this post.
Part of my healing involved lots of self-help and especially therapy. The best decision I made was instead of jumping right back into the dating pool, I chose to commit to being single for a good while and focus on healing all of the parts of me that led to choosing partners that were emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature. I was determined to heal so that if I was blessed to meet a potential partner someday, I would be more self-aware and fulfilled so I would attract a partner who was just as self-aware and fulfilled as I was becoming. I did not want to repeat past relationship patterns.
Here are some things I learned by trial and error. If I feel triggered by someone or something; it means I have a deep wound that I need to dig into. Why did I become defensive? Why did I overreact? Why did I feel so much anguish and pain and was it something I could easily not take personally and let go or does it warrant me getting defensive and then reevaluating the relationship or situation that is triggering or provoking me?
Most often, it is something that is 50/50. It was 50% warranted to get upset about and the other 50% of my reaction was due to some event from my past that needs to be healed. I will be the first to admit that I do not often filter my reactions or feelings when I feel stressed or slighted, but with that said; if someone genuinely comes to me with a concern or a problem that I took part in, I want to know so I can apologize and be accountable for it. I want to rectify the situation and learn from it because I do not feel you can grow as a person if you do not own your mistakes and learn from them. The other half of that is; if someone is blatantly disrespectful, cruel, or demeaning towards me by exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviors and being hyper-critical of me without valid reasons; this has more to do with them than it does about me. If this is something that happens repeatedly, I can choose to give them a warning about their behavior, and then if it continues, I can take reasonable actions to protect my well-being so that I am less exposed to their toxic behaviors. I now have begun to understand why I am triggered and where it all stems from and unfortunately, it is mostly from events that took place in my childhood.
First and foremost, this post is not about shaming or guilting anyone. We all have our emotional wounds and I now understand that the abuse I was subjected to as a child stemmed from a parent that was living with their trauma and wounds. It was a cycle perpetuated by ignorance and lack of emotional intelligence from generations past. This does not in any way take away from their actions, but it helped me to understand the cycle of generational trauma inflicted on myself and my siblings. For me, this is a purging of the most painful memories I have as a child and how they have impacted me as an adult and especially, as a woman. I have very few memories of affection, connection, and core memories other than the few moments I can recall with extended family and my grandparents at different ages and stages of life. I treasure those memories because they were the moments I felt loved and joyful. Two things brought me great pleasure and peace–libraries (books) and the beach. It was in these places that I spent some of the happiest moments of my childhood.
I will not describe in detail the exact abuse that took place because, at this point, it serves no purpose. Abuse is abuse. The painful memories that I have, happened so often, that I learned to disassociate and became emotionally numb. I do not remember crying or tears. I remember being stoic, still, silent screams, and pushing all of those hurtful things down deep. I remember visualizing myself as a glass jar and for every pain or hurt I suffered, another marble was put into the jar. I knew eventually it would shatter when too full, and I just waited and held it all in so that I could prevent it from exploding into a million fragments. For decades, I never knew that what I was living was called abuse. I did not have the physical scars, but instead, I had the deep emotional and mental scars that would take decades to decipher. I did not understand the magnitude of healing I would have to go through to regain some sense of self-worth and to heal the broken inner child within me. I still get “triggered” but I am more aware of the why behind it. I let myself feel the pain and work through it slowly. I am also working towards creating a safe and peaceful environment for myself. Healing is something I now understand is not something that happens all at once. It can take years and it is a process. It’s feeling everything and allowing myself to grieve for all of the things I lost as a child and as an adult while I was just trying to survive. As for that glass jar, it’s slowly being emptied. It never shattered.
This is a big word for me. I did not place much value on it until I began following a therapist on social media. She did a series of posts and stories about this that have helped me understand the importance of belonging. We are social creatures and crave community, belonging, and of course security and love. Without it, I feel we do not have a chance to fully develop into our healthiest and best version of ourselves.
When I was a child, I felt out of place and like I did not belong. I used to think it was because I grew up in the 1970s and seemed to be one of the very few in my circle of friends and in my classroom that did not have the typical nuclear family. I had my grandparents and mother, but I did not have a father that was present or supportive in any way. I had a family who did care for and provide for me, but even that did not establish a meaningful connection in every aspect of my young life. I grew up with the nagging feeling of not belonging. In high school, it only got worse. I was often not included in activities that had been part of my culture and family heritage–such as debutante clubs, socials, or other activities that involved two parents and the financial stability to participate. I constantly struggled with trying to fit in. I was always the “extra” or the third wheel. I was excruciatingly mindful of this.
Once I graduated from high school and began working, I slowly began to find my tribe. These were the friends who just saw me; not my family background nor my lack of connections to influential people. They saw me for who I was. Gradually, I began to feel that sense of belonging and community with the tribe of friends who grew to become family. I was blessed with building those lifelong friendships in my 20s and 30s that have sustained me to this day.
Life happened and I relocated a few times. I always struggled to attain that elusive feeling of belonging and what I often refer to as HOME. I would often say, “This place doesn’t feel like home yet.” After a few years, I’d grow my network of friends and special places and that feeling of belonging would come back to me and I would cherish it. I didn’t quite understand this intangible thing I felt but it filled my heart and soul with love and a feeling of belonging and home.
This brings me here. I have been living in this part of North Texas for several years now. I have never felt at home or the sense of community and belonging I have craved to further my growth and healing process. I have become more socially isolated and oftentimes, it is by choice.
Here is what I have learned…
It was always up to me to be open to new friendships/relationships and seek out those connections and networks. I understand that it becomes more difficult if you are struggling with problems in your personal life or at work. As we age and grow through life’s stages and struggles; our views, feelings, and even habits may change. Every new challenge will either force us inward like a cocoon or push us out of the protection and essentially, the comfort zone or “resting period” as I like to call it.
I am not the bar scene-free-spirited 25-year-old I was years ago, but I’m not quite yet ready to join a senior community center either. I am somewhere in between rediscovering myself in this new phase of life– post-divorce, post Covid, and with new responsibilities and interests; and wanting to feel connected to old friendships while also being open to creating new ones in the present. I am quite comfortable going to do things alone and although that is a wonderful feeling of independence and confidence; doing things with a friend or two brings interesting conversations and a new perspective. This damn anxiety has forced me to seek out nature more than “crowds.” I’m not complaining, but I am recognizing that nature is so healing for me and I’m going to take advantage of it as much as I can.
I recently made a trip back to the small city that I was born and raised in–South Texas. These trips back down south were rarely filled with excitement or longing. Instead, they were filled with dread, worry, anxiety, and frankly, general unease about the whole thing. I was a little anxious this time around too and honestly, I was tempted to cancel the entire trip; but I had family obligations and recognized that the “belongingness” I was missing was right there for the taking. I knew it was time to reconnect with those important relationships that are so important to me and I pushed myself out of that “comfort zone of isolation.” I have zero regrets.
I kept waiting for the anxiety to hurl me back to my “comfort zone of isolation” which happened to be my hotel room, but I persisted and resisted. I was worried about that general feeling of unease, anxiety, dread, and fear starting to creep up and consume me. I was waiting to feel like…’this place isn’t home,’ kind of feeling. Guess what?! It did not happen. I learned that feeling of home, community, and belonging; is all within me and the relationships I cultivate and nurture. I have been searching for something outside of myself to give me the comfort and acceptance I needed and that was so severely lacking in my life. I finally got it. Home is not a place. It’s the environment we create with the ones we love around us. It’s feeling safe and loved. It’s laughing and sharing both happy and sad moments with your friends and loved ones. It. Is. So. Many. Things. Thank goodness I learned this so I can finally stop searching for what was never going to be found in a place.
I would be totally lying if I pretended I was not struggling with my emotional well-being right now. I have had more bad days than I care to say. Honestly, it is not any one thing but many things compounded and maybe I am not the only one struggling. I guess I can begin with the post-divorce healing process. It was a difficult time for me but we are coming up on almost two years now and I feel ok. Of course I miss the friendship and companionship, but deep down I know ending that marriage was the best thing for both of us. I own that.
Second, I had Covid pneumonia just over a year ago and my lungs and breathing are not the same. I still have less than 50% of my sense of taste and smell. I get extremely winded doing things I found easier to do pre-Covid. I find myself taking more breaks during a strenuous task as well. I am hoping that these things will not be the same things I am struggling with a year from now. I am hopeful that with some extra self-care, I can get better.
Work has been both a blessing and a struggle. I am so grateful I have health insurance and a job when many others have lost their job or are still struggling with unemployment and financial stability. I also wish I had been able to work from home or maybe find better ways to work with the public without feeling I am putting myself at risk health wise. I love what I do. It’s been a most unusual process to fall into my job, but it’s been one I have zero regrets about. Am I doing all I can be doing? No. That may be some of the restlessness I am feeling.
One of the greatest struggles over the past few months has been coping with waves of grief and mourning over the sudden loss of our beloved dog, Chance. I was blessed to have the spunkiest and loving Cairn Terrier rescue. He was small but fierce. He was my protector, my best friend, and my favorite little person to be with. His love and companionship helped me begin the healing process post-divorce. He made everything better just by being himself. Coming home was more joyful knowing he would be waiting to greet me. Sleeping was more restful feeling him next to me. He wasn’t a great cuddler, but when he was in the mood, I so enjoyed it. He was my “tricky woo!” I miss him immensely. I struggled trying to absorb why this happened at this time. I did not have a crisis of faith, but I did have some serious discussions with God. I don’t have to understand why things like this happen. I just have to trust that someday, I will see my fur baby again.
The loss of him not being here has affected us all differently but we all feel it in some way. I believe with the pandemic, the stress of illness, work, and the crazy in the world; coping has been difficult. I have had people who say, “Get another dog. It will help.” I cannot. I would not ever say, have another baby to cope with your miscarriage. Get a new spouse if yours has passed. I do not believe they’re being insensitive. I think they have forgotten that grief and mourning are a process that just has to be walked through. It comes in waves and some days the waves are crashing over me and others, it’s just a small ripple. I have struggled with self-care and I am not ashamed to say, I often neglect it. I am working on getting better with it though. I am not the kind of person who stays down in the pit for too long. I am a fighter and a survivor. I don’t get up or give in easily. I know how far I have come and I believe God has more joy planned for my future.
I have come to believe that somehow pain and loss have a way of purifying us. It forces us to get back down to the basics–what is important and what can be let go of. I have let go of feeling guilt for not being more productive or driven right now. I have let go of comparing where I am at with others. My journey has been nontraditional and that is ok. I have given up pushing myself beyond what I know I am capable of for that day or moment just to prove to someone or myself I am worthy. So….if you’re curious about some of what I am doing for self-care during this time, I will share. It is what has helped me and some of these are totally nonnegotiable.
I finally have established a halfway decent morning routine.
Drinking water first thing before coffee is one. Also, reading my devotional or something spiritual and saying a short prayer to begin my day is something I will always make time for now.
I don’t rush thru my favorite coffee of choice. I savor it and sip on it slowly.
Scheduling a regular massage, pedicure, or facial–anything relaxing that I deem to be pampering has become routine. Yes, it’s a sacrifice financially but I have found ways to make it more affordable by going to beauty schools or looking for special discounts.
Making time to read for growth as well as fun. I love to read and I often times feel pulled in so many directions with my responsibilities that I don’t make time for it. Even if all I can fit in is 15 minutes of silent reading. It helps.
Connecting with friends, groups or organizations that are good for my mental and emotional well being has been wonderful. It has helped me learn that we are all struggling in some way and doing our best. Those connections can make the difference between having a bad day and a “I’m gonna get thru this” kind of day!
Limiting time with toxic or energy draining individuals is a must. I have learned so much about myself and how empathic I can be. I have to be vigilant with certain types of people that are energy vampires. This is where practicing healthy boundaries has come in handy.
And lastly, I am just being more mindful of being more of service to others struggling around me. I feel that God wants us to do that now more than ever.
I hope that when you feel like you’ve had enough, you remember that many of us are struggling right now as well–whether it be for something or someone we have lost or because we miss the way things were just a few years ago. I believe God has a plan for us to follow and part of our growth is to be willing to face the hard things with an attitude and mindset of growth….even if it’s painful. In the meanwhile, here is my best boy.
Chance….good boy, loyal friend, and little badass!
It’s been awhile since I posted and I’m not going to make excuses either. Nothing as monumental as COVID happened to me, but it has taken me a really long time to get the courage to write. Part of me felt like if I did begin writing, I would never stop. The other part of me could not bring into words the pain inside. Not one book that I read could have prepared me for the overwhelming sadness, sense of loss, and the emotional roller coaster ride of going through a divorce. Although my ex and I had a conscious uncoupling and remained friends for the most part, it does not make the loss of a decade of life spent together just disappear.
At first, I wanted to delete everything—every picture I had on my cell phone, every social media post, and every reminder that he ever existed. Then I had the revelation. Why would I want to erase a decade of my life? He was part of me and our lives were enmeshed for a decade. Part of who I am today is because of him. So….then I started just leaving things as they were. If I saw a memory post show up in Facebook, I just looked and smiled and remembered a happier moment we shared. I stopped trying to delete that “we” happened.
What has happened during this COVID time is that I realized by remaining “friends” in good standing, I was actually halting my healing process. I was not truly letting go. I was using our “friendship” to reach out consistently for support and for connection. I also realized that to truly begin healing and letting go, I have to not be his friend for a while. What else has happened?
While I had not been working due to COVID, I was the most unproductive person on the planet. I slept. I ate. I cried. I rarely went for walks. I read some. I did depression and pity party pretty well. It seems that peeling back the layers of this stinky onion means there’s more stuff bubbling up to the surface—like my emotional eating struggles, my anxiety, my depression, and some emotional pain from my childhood. I have been treading water to take care of myself and what a chore it has been.
I came back to work this week and it was tough. I am grateful that I had a job to come back to but I felt so much regret for the time I lost at home. I decided to give myself some grace. We were/are living in a pandemic! I had to recognize that maybe this time off was meant for me to see just how much pain and hurt I had been burying for so long. I have begun to acknowledge and address it. It will be a slow process but I am finally trying to move on. It has been a few weeks not hearing my ex’s voice or his goofy laugh, but I know I will be fine. God has a plan for me and if I stick to it, I will be ok.
Unbecoming Dawn 