GRACE

It’s been awhile since I posted and I’m not going to make excuses either. Nothing as monumental as COVID happened to me, but it has taken me a really long time to get the courage to write. Part of me felt like if I did begin writing, I would never stop. The other part of me could not bring into words the pain inside. Not one book that I read could have prepared me for the overwhelming sadness, sense of loss, and the emotional roller coaster ride of going through a divorce. Although my ex and I had a conscious uncoupling and remained friends for the most part, it does not make the loss of a decade of life spent together just disappear.

At first, I wanted to delete everything—every picture I had on my cell phone, every social media post, and every reminder that he ever existed. Then I had the revelation. Why would I want to erase a decade of my life? He was part of me and our lives were enmeshed for a decade. Part of who I am today is because of him.  So….then I started just leaving things as they were. If I saw a memory post show up in Facebook, I just looked and smiled and remembered a happier moment we shared. I stopped trying to delete that “we” happened.

What has happened during this COVID time is that I realized by remaining “friends” in good standing, I was actually halting my healing process. I was not truly letting go. I was using our “friendship” to reach out consistently for support and for connection. I also realized that to truly begin healing and letting go, I have to not be his friend for a while. What else has happened?

While I had not been working due to COVID, I was the most unproductive person on the planet. I slept. I ate. I cried. I rarely went for walks. I read some. I did depression and pity party pretty well. It seems that peeling back the layers of this stinky onion means there’s more stuff bubbling up to the surface—like my emotional eating struggles, my anxiety, my depression, and some emotional pain from my childhood. I have been treading water to take care of myself and what a chore it has been.

I came back to work this week and it was tough. I am grateful that I had a job to come back to but I felt so much regret for the time I lost at home. I decided to give myself some grace. We were/are living in a pandemic! I had to recognize that maybe this time off was meant for me to see just how much pain and hurt I had been burying for so long. I have begun to acknowledge and address it. It will be a slow process but I am finally trying to move on. It has been a few weeks not hearing my ex’s voice or his goofy laugh, but I know I will be fine. God has a plan for me and if I stick to it, I will be ok.

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