It has been a long time since writing but this is part of my healing process and growing pains. I’m going to be vulnerable and share what I have learned more recently about “triggers.”

Five years ago, I would not have been able to tell you what a trigger was in relation to mental health. Now, it is part of my everyday lingo.

What is a trigger? In the simplest of terms—being “triggered” means you’re experiencing past pain in the present moment. It is usually brought on by a situation or event in the present. For me, my triggers seem to be exacerbated by specific persons or scenarios. I look back now and see how the last few years post-divorce; I have been a triggered hot mess for so many reasons. I will explain further in this post.

Part of my healing involved lots of self-help and especially therapy. The best decision I made was instead of jumping right back into the dating pool, I chose to commit to being single for a good while and focus on healing all of the parts of me that led to choosing partners that were emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature. I was determined to heal so that if I was blessed to meet a potential partner someday, I would be more self-aware and fulfilled so I would attract a partner who was just as self-aware and fulfilled as I was becoming. I did not want to repeat past relationship patterns.

Here are some things I learned by trial and error. If I feel triggered by someone or something; it means I have a deep wound that I need to dig into. Why did I become defensive? Why did I overreact? Why did I feel so much anguish and pain and was it something I could easily not take personally and let go or does it warrant me getting defensive and then reevaluating the relationship or situation that is triggering or provoking me?

Most often, it is something that is 50/50. It was 50% warranted to get upset about and the other 50% of my reaction was due to some event from my past that needs to be healed. I will be the first to admit that I do not often filter my reactions or feelings when I feel stressed or slighted, but with that said; if someone genuinely comes to me with a concern or a problem that I took part in, I want to know so I can apologize and be accountable for it. I want to rectify the situation and learn from it because I do not feel you can grow as a person if you do not own your mistakes and learn from them. The other half of that is; if someone is blatantly disrespectful, cruel, or demeaning towards me by exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviors and being hyper-critical of me without valid reasons; this has more to do with them than it does about me. If this is something that happens repeatedly, I can choose to give them a warning about their behavior, and then if it continues, I can take reasonable actions to protect my well-being so that I am less exposed to their toxic behaviors. I now have begun to understand why I am triggered and where it all stems from and unfortunately, it is mostly from events that took place in my childhood.

First and foremost, this post is not about shaming or guilting anyone. We all have our emotional wounds and I now understand that the abuse I was subjected to as a child stemmed from a parent that was living with their trauma and wounds. It was a cycle perpetuated by ignorance and lack of emotional intelligence from generations past. This does not in any way take away from their actions, but it helped me to understand the cycle of generational trauma inflicted on myself and my siblings. For me, this is a purging of the most painful memories I have as a child and how they have impacted me as an adult and especially, as a woman. I have very few memories of affection, connection, and core memories other than the few moments I can recall with extended family and my grandparents at different ages and stages of life. I treasure those memories because they were the moments I felt loved and joyful. Two things brought me great pleasure and peace–libraries (books) and the beach. It was in these places that I spent some of the happiest moments of my childhood.

I will not describe in detail the exact abuse that took place because, at this point, it serves no purpose. Abuse is abuse. The painful memories that I have, happened so often, that I learned to disassociate and became emotionally numb. I do not remember crying or tears. I remember being stoic, still, silent screams, and pushing all of those hurtful things down deep. I remember visualizing myself as a glass jar and for every pain or hurt I suffered, another marble was put into the jar. I knew eventually it would shatter when too full, and I just waited and held it all in so that I could prevent it from exploding into a million fragments. For decades, I never knew that what I was living was called abuse. I did not have the physical scars, but instead, I had the deep emotional and mental scars that would take decades to decipher. I did not understand the magnitude of healing I would have to go through to regain some sense of self-worth and to heal the broken inner child within me. I still get “triggered” but I am more aware of the why behind it. I let myself feel the pain and work through it slowly. I am also working towards creating a safe and peaceful environment for myself. Healing is something I now understand is not something that happens all at once. It can take years and it is a process. It’s feeling everything and allowing myself to grieve for all of the things I lost as a child and as an adult while I was just trying to survive. As for that glass jar, it’s slowly being emptied. It never shattered.