I’ve waited a long while to write this because every time I began, I started to cry. I read a quote somewhere that when you can tell your story and not cry, you are on your way to healing. For the last several months, I have been going through a divorce and honestly, I’m not on my way to healing just yet. This was the second biggest event I have ever gone through and although it was amicable and we chose to consciously uncouple; the pain and heartache was and IS still there. How do you let go of your best friend because your marriage sucked?! I couldn’t even begin to understand how hard it was going to be to adjust to so many little things I had become accustomed to over the decade of our relationship. The first week I slept alone was awful. I hardly slept more than a few hours each night. All of the little things we take for granted in relationships will be the things you miss the most when they’re gone. Even so, I am grateful for the years we had together.
I’m not sure of the stages of divorce but mine was anger at
first. I was mad as hell. Once I calmed down and was able to think with a more
rational mindset, I began to understand and accept that this was for the best
for both of us. We both deserved to have peace and for a long while, we had
none. I used to have this idea of marriage as something we just “did” in spite
of how wrong it felt or how difficult it became. Now, I believe differently. I
resort back to my youthful belief that “good love” makes you both stronger, a
better person, and you grow together. Is love always easy or good? No. It can
be hard and sacrificial as well, but in the end, the good should always
outweigh the difficult.
And now begins the WORK….
I am beginning to realize the dynamics that played a negative role in our marriage. Everyone brings their “stuff” into their current relationship. It is part of human nature. We bring our family of origin. We bring our past experiences with love and relationships. We bring our current mindset of what we believe our version of love to be. In the end, it is truly the uniting of two lives and all of your past experiences that shaped you into who you are today. It is important for both of you to be aware of your “stuff” and be willing to work on overcoming it. You have to be a united front going in because you will face so many challenges as a couple and if either of you are not fully embedded in the success of the relationship, it allows cracks to seep in and over time, those cracks will break you apart. I was listening to a podcast the other day about the topic of divorce. Two things I arrived at after listening to it—nonnegotiables and dating. What are my nonnegotiables going to be when I begin dating again and when will I feel ready to begin dating? I kind of have an idea of what my nonnegotiables will be and as for dating—two puppies sounds more up my alley right now! I need to spend lots of time on myself (self- care) and in nature when I can. Nature, water, friends and family fill my cup!
Do you believe in signs? I do! Sometimes the divine has a way of speaking to you and it can be as easy as something popping up several times within a small time frame. Other times, it’s a huge sign and you’re finally faced with a truth you’ve been ignoring for quite some time. I’ve been going through a year of self-discovery and trying to dig deeper into some unresolved issues that keep pulling me backward. At the root of it, there is a feeling of hunger and restlessness. I wrote about that hunger on my first post, but the other day on the way to work, the person on the radio was talking about Psalm 62:5 and the topic of RESTLESSNESS and the human condition. Every sentence she spoke was an alarm bell going off in my head!
I have been restless since as far back as I can remember! I
was restless in my teenage years because I believed that once I could be
independent and on my own, everything would be so much easier and better. I was
restless because I believed that my life would be better and easier if I got
married. I got married and believed everything would get easier when I was
working full time and we were advancing in our careers and making more money. We
got those jobs and career advancements and then I thought it would get easier
if we saved enough money to buy a home in the country.
Then it happened. I realized nothing was getting easier.
Nothing was getting better. In fact, things were just as hard as they always
were and I woke up one morning and felt this heaviness in my heart and physical
body. I did not want to get up. I wondered what would happen if I just fought
back and decided, TODAY, I AM NOT GETTING UP AND OUT OF BED ANYMORE. I did not
want to go to work. I did not want to take a shower. I did not want to eat. Everything
was too hard. I was more than restless. I was done. I call this moment my
turning point. As I sat and poured out my feelings to my husband and sat there
broken and crying, I felt like I needed to just stop. I needed the world to
stop so I could see what was next for me. What did Dawn need?
I sat in my doctor’s office and just cried. She looked at me
stupefied and doubled my medications. She couldn’t help me. All she could do
was prescribe more medications. I’d been prescribed pills for my anxiety and
panic attacks. I’d been prescribed a higher dosage to deal with the depression
and mood swings. I’d been prescribed pills to help me sleep. I was prescribed
muscle relaxers and strong anti-inflammatory medications for the constant
muscle aches and pains I had. I had even developed stage one high blood
pressure and was prescribed blood pressure medication. I felt like I was dying
inside and like I was slowly losing my wits! No one could understand and no one
seemed to be listening to me.
What do you hunger for? Love? Companionship? Relationship? Faith? Passion? Your past? Food? Money? Power? A drink? A pill?
We all have a hunger inside of us. We may bury it deep down or try to pretend we are in control of it, but are we really? That craving has a way of creeping up inside of us during times of trial, sacrifice, and change. I learned I was “hungry” on the fifth day of my second Whole30. I was eating all the right things. I was hungry! I wanted to feel satiated. My physical body was not hungry, but I felt a hunger deep in my belly. It was for whatever I did not have but felt deep down I needed. I am trying to embrace that feeling and nurturing it with meditation, reading devotional bible verses, and scrolling through Instagram stories for inspiration and hopefulness. I will expound on this new word for me…HUNGER later on but now, ask yourself what you’re hungry for (metaphorically speaking) and how are you filling that void.
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
My name is Dawn and I am 50 and this age has been the time of much growth and change.
I’m a native Texan and have lived in some of the major cities here and the coast.
Over three years ago, I packed up and left my job, my friends, and the life I had built for myself in another city. Even now, I am confident, it was the right decision for me at that time because I was in a rut. I was stagnant and not growing professionally. I craved growth and change. I still remember the day I made the decision to leave a job I loved and the friends I’d made and embark on this journey. My heart ached but I was filled with a fervor that was driving me to make this tremendous upheaval in my life. It’s like breaking up with someone you love for all the right reasons. I’ve grown more emotionally and professionally than I ever have in the last three years. When you jump off a cliff, you realize one of two things: you fly or you die. I flew. Starting over was scary but I did it. I began to trust my life’s purpose and my faith in God. What did I gain?
I gained confidence, strength, purpose, knowledge, and even more faith! I realized things I never knew about myself but had within me all along. I was a leader. I was a performer. I was a teacher. I was a writer. I was a mentor. I finally bloomed! I was flying so high until the work, the responsibilities, the family, the marriage—all of it just took over and I succumbed to bad habits for coping. Somewhere in the midst of all that positive growth; I began to lose myself. I forgot what was important.
Now, I am at a crossroads. Growth and overcoming challenges is not without collateral damage. That is what this blog is about—finding healing and unbecoming everything I thought I was and finally becoming who I am meant to be. It is about re-configuring my life around health and happiness.